If I have one complaint about grown up ‘kids’, it is that they sometimes take their time providing me with a shameless excuse to giggle hysterically and leak happy mother tears simultaneously. Some may call their approach selfish but because my children are practically perfect in every way I defend them with the excuse that they live very busy lives. Sadly, it can not always be about their mother.

The most recent celebration nearly killed me, because Favourite Son – after announcing his engagement to his gorgeous girlfriend – then slapped a gagging order on me until they got their engagement story lined up and ensured that all their special people had been told personally. I offered to leak the news, but they seem to have read the ‘Engagement Etiquette’ book that I have left lying around over the past few years. I felt it would be imprudent to blog about their news during this embargo for fear of losing my wedding invite.

I was still ‘enjoying’ the dregs of the summer term when the couple video call me with their engagement news from Greece. Thankfully I am not teaching at the time, but a couple of colleagues run to my office to check in on my hysterical screeching and manic leaping around. When they realise it is not a safeguarding issue, they leave – but remind me that I am on break time duty very shortly and not to forget my hi viz.

When the call comes I think it touching to see two sun tanned faces waiting for me to clock my FDiL’s stunning engagement ring (the boy did well), but I later change my mind when they send me a screen shot of my gawping face – revealing a full set of fillings and my missing tonsils. I now live in fear that they will use this screen shot instead of a place name at their actual wedding, particularly because I have seen other screen shots of family receiving this exciting news and let us just say that my response appears inelegant in comparison.

Anyway, I was delighted to celebrate the engagement with the happy couple and my Favourite Daughter in London earlier this week. For ease of reference, below I record some of the headlines from our perambulations because I know they are both very busy people and I would hate them to forget some of the Mother of the Groom gems that were petitioned during the meal.

• The bride’s mother and I can meet as regularly as we want to discuss this wedding and to exchange embarrassing growing up stories and examples of what great mothers we have been not to repulse the other’s offspring from walking up the aisle. Naturally we are both as giddy kipper as each other about these future nuptials, so it makes sense to spend more time together. (I should add that the bride’s father is equally lovely and is welcome to join these gatherings but sense that he may prefer to get in a few rounds of golf with my son while we get down to the nitty gritty of table settings. Anyway, he has a speech to write and his public await).
  
  Rather than announcing the official engagement in the broadsheets, the Mother of the Bride (hence known as MOB) and I decide to become friends on Facebook (age appropriate) and Instagram (only way to communicate with our offspring). This does mean that the poor woman will now be subjected to my blog and may have to pretend to read it, but as we will be family – and because she is so popular – I expect to increase my following.
  
  No doubt, as soon as we have a ‘save the date’ message from the happy couple, we will also be trading opinions about hats, fascinators and colour swatches – oh and deciding how to behave disgracefully at the hen party should we make the cut.
  
• Favourite Daughter and I would like to have multiple roles on the wedding day. We like to keep busy. For comedy value we discuss sharing the role of flower girl, proceeding the bride down the aisle and showering the congregation with fragrant petals and jelly babies (you know my obsession), but FD points out that this will mean age-inappropriate attire for the rest of the ceremony and that even in short ankle socks and Alice shoes, I am likely to trip over my own feet and squash any unclaimed confectionary. FD also drops a Vicar of Dibley reference into the discussion which I find a little harsh, so instead we ask if the ushers can act as beer boys and come down the aisle handing out a choice of alcoholic beverage. We just leave these ideas on the table – I sense that my new daughter in law (to be) is looking nervous and I do not want to scare her off before the big day.
  
• In discussion about numbers at the wedding, I request that we have a pre wedding get together to see how entertaining people can be. Brutally, we can reduce numbers if people fail to be sociable; we can rate them 1 – 10 and this data may assist with a seating plan at a later date. Selfishly I would like to sit next to someone who can tell a good yarn and/or will dance on the tables as soon as the bride and groom have finished their first dance. Although I have promised to hide my inner Dibley, I would like an opportunity to finesse my Telly Tubby dance in public for I know my son will find this a nostalgic reminder of his toddler (my drinking) years; if I ferret around in the loft, I should be able to find my old Tinky Winky handbag to complete my wedding ensemble.
  
• I would like the bride and groom to throw caution to the wind and let the Mother of the Groom (MOG?) give a speech. I petition this because my son – like my daughter – is very special to me and has steered his old mum through some difficult ‘times’. My son notes my request, but also turns to his fiancee with an eye roll saying, ‘Mum will probably try to deliver a full assembly and tell the guests in the back row to stop talking and sit up straight, so do not give her a straight ‘yes’ on this one’.
  
• I ask for the bride and groom to write a personalised and handwritten letter to each of their wedding guests and to put this as a placeholder alongside a childhood photo. They look horrified because they expect to invite a lot of people to the wedding, but after seeing this idea on Instagram I like this personal touch. Actually, this is my one opportunity to ensure that the screen shot of my back molars will not get an airing on their wedding day. Cunning and creative, me.

Anyway, unaccustomed as I am to making public declarations, I hereby give notice that I am now otherwise engaged because I intend to become fully immersed in my new role as MOG. I wish this gorgeous couple the happiest journey together and delight that the wait is finally over for I am so rubbish at keeping secrets and – as you can tell – I am desperately in need of some new blog fodder.